My Deconversion Story (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Think for Myself)

Deconversion - that's a big, heavy sounding word isn't it? It sounds much grander than I intend this post to be. It also brings to mind images of a Damascene anti-revelation where the unGod shows up as a totally normal non-burning bush and sucks all of the faith out of me (I make no apologies for mixing up my biblical references there). That absolutely isn't what I'm going to describe here. What I am going to tell you about is my slow journey from being a simple if slightly unorthodox Christian believer to being what I am now, a quietly atheistic non-believer. As I start writing this I have no idea how long it is going to be or how long it is going to take me to write so make yourself a nice cup of tea, this might be a long one.

OK So It's Been More Than A Week

In my last post I said I'd probably write another post after a week or so to let you know how I was doing. Sorry it's been more than a few week shut here it is. How am I getting on without the tablets? Just fine thanks. I'm managing to sleep OK although I'm dreaming a lot more but so far I've not woken up screaming or wimpering which is something I used to do. So yeah, I'm feeling a lot healthier, at least mentally speaking.

No More Chemicals

First of all I'd just like to say bloody hell, you write one blog post about introversion and your page hits go through the roof. Seriously that one post got more than twice as many views than all the rest of my posts put together. So now I know what you like. Especially Americans it seems. They apparently love a bit of the introversion. So yeah I will probably talk about that more in the future but for now here's something else...

An Introvert in an Extroverted World

For people who know me well this isn't the post you may have been expecting me to write for the last five months. For the people who know me a little bit the last five or six months of my life have been a little bit like a soap opera - this post isn't about that. For those people who don't know me at all well hello, how did you find me? Are you well? Sit down and have a cup of tea. Anyway...

I did ask permission to use this picture ages ago but I can't remember who's. If you know who drew it please let me know!

I'm coming out...no, not in that way, but as an introvert. Most people who know me personally know this to be true anyway (although I have had a few people argue with me on this point) but a lot of people who just know me a little bit either don't know or maybe just suspect. Some of you might not even know what it means - something I might help put right during this post. Have you noticed something about this first paragraph though? It's written as if this was some big announcement and as if it was almost something I was hiding. It is sort of true though. We live in a world where being quiet and thoughtful are seen as character defects, things to be ashamed of and to try and change rather than as just being a difference and maybe even a strength.

What Happens if You Miss?

Okay so I started writing what follows about 3 weeks ago but didn't publish it because I was struggling to work out where I was going with it but I thought I should do something with it...

Two posts ago I revealed to the world at large that I have depression and I said I would use this blog keep track of my progress through the grey hinterlands of mental illness so I thought it was about time to give you an update.

How Can This Be Okay?

Before I start this blog post properly let me explain something. I am not into football. I am not into sport in any real way at all. This makes me strange, I know, especially in the area I live. I've had it all my life, the dread of the "Did you see the match?" question that invariably comes from any other man trying to make small talk. The confused look when I say no and explain that I didn't even know there was a match. The feeling that I've let them down, I've closed down the one bit of conversation, the one bit of shared experience they thought we would both have. I've tried, oh how I tried. I even had a Newcastle top when I was 11 but I just don't get it. I just can't give a shit. So why am I saying this? A lot of you know it already, why is this something I'm saying now? Well there's something that I've been thinking about, pondering you might say, something that has been slowly brewing and it's finally time to put finger to iPad screen.

This One Has Been a Long Time Coming

You know how I wanted to find a subject for this blog after I gave the electric car back? Well I think I've found one. It's arguably more serious and more personal than before so if you're not up for that then I suggest you bail now before things get too heavy for you.

Okay, some of you still left? Right, we'll carry on then.

About four weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression. We'll get into details about that in a minute but what I plan to do is use this blog to chart my progress, talk about it and maybe, in my own small way help with the demystifying of mental health issues.  Because in this country mental health is still a taboo subject isn't it? It seems less so in the States (maybe some of my American readers can weigh in on that - I know there's a couple of you out there). There's that famous statistic that says that one in three people in the UK will be affected by some form of mental health issue during their lives. That's one in three. Look around you, how many people are there? Think about where you work. How many people are there? How many friends have you got on Facebook? A third of them will have or have already had some form of mental health issue. That's the same figure as will be affected by cancer (which, by the way, always shocks me when I think about it) in their lives. Yet we still brush it under the table. We even make jokes about it or make unthinking offhand remarks about people just getting over it or pulling themselves together. So yeah. That's what this blog is going to be about, at least for a while. Either until I get better or until I get bored of it. I might slip in the odd post about other things now and then. Although I always say that and I hardly ever do, do I?

People who know me reasonably well probably aren't surprised by this turn in events. They've noticed a change in me. It's been building up for a while and I know it was effecting the way I was relating to people. So what does it feel like I hear you ask, what is depression? Well, I'm sure it's different for different people but here is a list of the effects it had on me:

A feeling of being isolated all the time, even in crowds.
Feeling lonely and wanting to be with people when I'm alone but wanting to be alone when I'm with people.
Wanting to be at home when I'm out and wanting to be out when I'm at home.
Having to pretend to be happy instead of actually being happy when I'm doing things that I know I should be enjoying.
Lack of energy - not being bothered to cook, eat or clean properly at home.
Not being able to concentrate on anything properly, even watching a TV program that I like I'd find myself being distracted.
Dwelling on things. I'd find myself going over things that had happened over and over again in my mind. I know everyone does that to some extent but I was doing it a ridiculous amount.
Not sleeping at all well. I've always been a bad sleeper but it was also getting out of hand.
Struggling to think clearly - I particularly noticed this at work.

I'm sure I can think of other things too but that's a pretty good start. So what am I doing about it? Well I've been to the doctor. I said "Doctor I think I'm a bit mad" and after talking to me a little bit he said "Yes David I think you are too." It didn't really go like that but you get the gist. I've got tablets and I'm going to start a "talking therapy" soon. Apparently they can do that on-line now - technology eh?! The tablets have already started to kick in. I'm not going to tell you what I'm on partly because I can't remember and I can't be bothered to go upstairs and check the packet and partly because I just don't want to! The doctor did select ones that help me sleep and boy do they work. I have never slept so well in my life. Actually he started me off on a very low dose and they were making me too sleepy, I nodded off during several lunch breaks at work during the first two weeks. In a bizarre twist though, if you up the dosage of this particular drug it actually makes you less drowsy so that's what has happened. I was skeptical at first but it's true, I'm still sleeping like a log (whatever that means, what a stupid phrase) but I'm not as drowsy during the day. I've also felt my mood lifting. I'm not as sad all the time. I'm more positive at work and I can tell I'm dwelling on things less. I still worry and think about things but I kind of care less if that makes sense. I know that I'm not well yet though. I still have bad days and bad times so hence this blog.

If you'd like to talk about any of this please feel free to leave a comment or question. I don't care what it is. If I don't like it I'll just delete it! Seriously though please comment away as much as you like.

On an unrelated note: Sainsbury's Basics peanut butter is vile. Even with Nutella. Just thought I'd get that bit of consumer advice out there while I was thinking about it.