What Happens if You Miss?

Okay so I started writing what follows about 3 weeks ago but didn't publish it because I was struggling to work out where I was going with it but I thought I should do something with it...

Two posts ago I revealed to the world at large that I have depression and I said I would use this blog keep track of my progress through the grey hinterlands of mental illness so I thought it was about time to give you an update.

How Can This Be Okay?

Before I start this blog post properly let me explain something. I am not into football. I am not into sport in any real way at all. This makes me strange, I know, especially in the area I live. I've had it all my life, the dread of the "Did you see the match?" question that invariably comes from any other man trying to make small talk. The confused look when I say no and explain that I didn't even know there was a match. The feeling that I've let them down, I've closed down the one bit of conversation, the one bit of shared experience they thought we would both have. I've tried, oh how I tried. I even had a Newcastle top when I was 11 but I just don't get it. I just can't give a shit. So why am I saying this? A lot of you know it already, why is this something I'm saying now? Well there's something that I've been thinking about, pondering you might say, something that has been slowly brewing and it's finally time to put finger to iPad screen.

This One Has Been a Long Time Coming

You know how I wanted to find a subject for this blog after I gave the electric car back? Well I think I've found one. It's arguably more serious and more personal than before so if you're not up for that then I suggest you bail now before things get too heavy for you.

Okay, some of you still left? Right, we'll carry on then.

About four weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression. We'll get into details about that in a minute but what I plan to do is use this blog to chart my progress, talk about it and maybe, in my own small way help with the demystifying of mental health issues.  Because in this country mental health is still a taboo subject isn't it? It seems less so in the States (maybe some of my American readers can weigh in on that - I know there's a couple of you out there). There's that famous statistic that says that one in three people in the UK will be affected by some form of mental health issue during their lives. That's one in three. Look around you, how many people are there? Think about where you work. How many people are there? How many friends have you got on Facebook? A third of them will have or have already had some form of mental health issue. That's the same figure as will be affected by cancer (which, by the way, always shocks me when I think about it) in their lives. Yet we still brush it under the table. We even make jokes about it or make unthinking offhand remarks about people just getting over it or pulling themselves together. So yeah. That's what this blog is going to be about, at least for a while. Either until I get better or until I get bored of it. I might slip in the odd post about other things now and then. Although I always say that and I hardly ever do, do I?

People who know me reasonably well probably aren't surprised by this turn in events. They've noticed a change in me. It's been building up for a while and I know it was effecting the way I was relating to people. So what does it feel like I hear you ask, what is depression? Well, I'm sure it's different for different people but here is a list of the effects it had on me:

A feeling of being isolated all the time, even in crowds.
Feeling lonely and wanting to be with people when I'm alone but wanting to be alone when I'm with people.
Wanting to be at home when I'm out and wanting to be out when I'm at home.
Having to pretend to be happy instead of actually being happy when I'm doing things that I know I should be enjoying.
Lack of energy - not being bothered to cook, eat or clean properly at home.
Not being able to concentrate on anything properly, even watching a TV program that I like I'd find myself being distracted.
Dwelling on things. I'd find myself going over things that had happened over and over again in my mind. I know everyone does that to some extent but I was doing it a ridiculous amount.
Not sleeping at all well. I've always been a bad sleeper but it was also getting out of hand.
Struggling to think clearly - I particularly noticed this at work.

I'm sure I can think of other things too but that's a pretty good start. So what am I doing about it? Well I've been to the doctor. I said "Doctor I think I'm a bit mad" and after talking to me a little bit he said "Yes David I think you are too." It didn't really go like that but you get the gist. I've got tablets and I'm going to start a "talking therapy" soon. Apparently they can do that on-line now - technology eh?! The tablets have already started to kick in. I'm not going to tell you what I'm on partly because I can't remember and I can't be bothered to go upstairs and check the packet and partly because I just don't want to! The doctor did select ones that help me sleep and boy do they work. I have never slept so well in my life. Actually he started me off on a very low dose and they were making me too sleepy, I nodded off during several lunch breaks at work during the first two weeks. In a bizarre twist though, if you up the dosage of this particular drug it actually makes you less drowsy so that's what has happened. I was skeptical at first but it's true, I'm still sleeping like a log (whatever that means, what a stupid phrase) but I'm not as drowsy during the day. I've also felt my mood lifting. I'm not as sad all the time. I'm more positive at work and I can tell I'm dwelling on things less. I still worry and think about things but I kind of care less if that makes sense. I know that I'm not well yet though. I still have bad days and bad times so hence this blog.

If you'd like to talk about any of this please feel free to leave a comment or question. I don't care what it is. If I don't like it I'll just delete it! Seriously though please comment away as much as you like.

On an unrelated note: Sainsbury's Basics peanut butter is vile. Even with Nutella. Just thought I'd get that bit of consumer advice out there while I was thinking about it.

What is Going on With David?

The post bellow is the one i linked to from Facebook and Twitter. You may wish to read that first.

I said I might do two blog posts tonight. Well this is the second and much more personal one. I've never posted personal stuff either on this blog or on Facebook/Twitter, I'm much too private a person for that but right at the moment I just want to get stuff out and this might be a good way to do it.

At times like these I wish I was as good a writer as my old friend Duncan. His blog when he was going through some bad times was moving, thought provoking and, dare I say it, almost beautiful. Mine has a chance of degenerating into a rant. I'll try to not let it come to that. In fact if it does I won't post it, I'll re-write it and you'll never know. This could have gone through fifteen draughts and you'd never be any the wiser.

To the person this is mostly about: You probably won't ever read this but if you do I hope you understand it. There is some stuff in here I wish I could have said to you in real life. Some of it I couldn't because I got too tongue-tied  when I was around you. Some of it I couldn't because we never gave each other the chance. I wish I could have seen you one last time.

The Hunger Games vs Battle Royale: A Fight to the Death

A poor excuse for a picture of Jennifer Lawrence 

So I told you I'd start using this blog for other things. Well here we go. This is probably going to be the first of two blog posts I do tonight. I haven't quite decided if I'm going to do the other one because it's a lot more personal but we'll see...

Anyway, you may or may not be aware that a film version of The Hunger Games came out a little while ago based on the book by Suzanne Collins. It was something I was utterly unaware of until I joined a website called Goodreads.com and the one person I was was friends with on there at the time had it in her "to read" list. Once the film came out a month or so later I started seeing people comparing it to another, Japanese film called Battle Royale its self based on a book of the same name by Koushun Takami. Apparently there has been a bit of controversy with people saying that The Hunger Games is based on or even copied off Battle Royale. So I decided to do a bit of research and watched both films and read both books.