Okay so I started writing what follows about 3 weeks ago but didn't publish it because I was struggling to work out where I was going with it but I thought I should do something with it...
Two posts ago I revealed to the world at large that I have depression and I said I would use this blog keep track of my progress through the grey hinterlands of mental illness so I thought it was about time to give you an update.
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone for the reaction I got. Nobody actually commented in the comments section of the blog (damn you all to Hades and back) but I got a surprising number of messages of support on Facebook, by e-mail and by text as well as lots of interested questions from people. Absolutely nothing negative so all I can say is you all must be lovely people!
So what's been going on? Well the main thing I have to report that in the last two weeks I have twice forgotten to take my medication. No big deal you might think. I certainly didn't think it was a big deal but how did it make me feel? Like shit is the answer. Other people more knowledgeable about this might be able to give me some insight into it but it really did knock me sideways for a few day each time. I'm not sure how much was caused by me worrying about having forgotten them and how much it was caused by actual chemical processes in my brain but starting from about lunch time on the day after I'd forgotten I'd feel my mood dropping and by tea time be feeling really very low. I stay down there for a few days then gradually start coming back up.
That's really it for now. I know it's quite short and not massively interesting but hey, it's my blog. I am kind of brewing up another post explaining how depression feels but it might take me a bit of time before I'm ready to put finger to keyboard with it. I like to have a good hard think about things before I write them.
So that was how far I got. I still haven't finished brewing the "How it feels" post - actually if I'm honest I'd forgotten about it but I will think about it now I've reminded myself. What has happend since? Well, I've been better at remembering to take my pills but my mood seems to have plateaued. It's actually quite hard hard to tell if I've gone backwards or if I'm just standing still. In the mean time my therapy is just starting. I was given an almost bewildering array of options all centered around Cognitive Behavioural Therepy and rightly or wrongly opted for On-line CBT. There are 12 or so weekly on-line sessions I follow and once I'm finished one I get to talk to a "therapy professional" either on the phone or on-line. I haven't done that yet but I have done the first on-line session. I might be doing it wrong but I felt like I could see through it. I knew exactly what they were going to say and I knew exactly what goals they were going to set me well before they told me. And the fact they made them SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely) just made me squirm. I know exactly why they're doing it and I totally understand it. It makes sense but it makes me feel like I can see through it and worry that this means it won't work as well. I should probably stop over thinking this. Right that's enough of this navel gazing post. Time to just publish it...
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