So what am I talking about? Well last week the BBC website published this article:
And then earlier today (Sunday) they published this follow-up:
They're about online dating and the crap things people say on their profiles. They just struck a cord with me because, as many of you know, I've been single for quite a while now so have, shall we say, sampled a few of the online dating services. Some of the cliches the BBC mention are some of the cliches that have been irritating me but I have a few of my own. I also disagree with some of their comments and as I said above, I've just realised that I've got a forum right here to get them off my chest.
So that's what I'm going to do. Now I will say that obviously I'm a heterosexual bloke so therefor all of the profiles I read are by women and this means that all of my observations are going to be about women. I don't want you to think this means that I'm down on women or that I think men's profiles are great, obviously I don't. From all reports men's are just as bad if not worse than women's but I can only write about my experience. So if there's any women out there with points to make about men's profiles please go right ahead and let rip in the comments. If you want to write something longer on your own blog I'll link to it, or if you send it to me I'll even put it on mine. I just think this could be fun!
Anyway, I thought I'd start with the ones from the BBC that struck a chord...
"I'm normal." or it's partner "I'm just looking for someone normal."
The BBC's commentator thinks this has something to do about stalking and online safety. Hmm, it might a little bit but that's not really the context it's used in on the profiles I've read. To me it has two meanings - first of all the problem here is if you've got dyed blonde hair, fake tan and too much eye make up, your idea of "normal" is probably quite different to mine. Now to be fair I probably won't find you attractive either if you're like that but you see this on so many profiles that it obviously doesn't occur to people that it can sound a bit judgmental. They're basically saying "I go to work, I watch the soaps, I go out with the girls on a Friday night and get pissed and I go to Faliraki for my holidays...if you aren't like this then you aren't normal and I don't want anything to do with you." Now I'm quite aware that I'm being quite judgmental here myself, probably more so than they are, but the difference is I wouldn't write "I'm normal" on a dating website because I'm aware enough to know that being judgmental on a dating website is a bit of a shit thing to do. I'm already on a dating website, the world judges me already, I don't need you, person who is also on there as well, judging me more!
The second thing is it just makes you sound a bit boring "I'm boring and I'm looking for someone boring." M'eh. I know I'm not the most interesting person on Earth but I'd like to think there's a little bit more to me than just being "normal" and I'd like the girl I end up with to kind of be the same to some extent. I do also hope that I stay on the normal side of weird so as not to scare people but still...
"I like going out and staying in."
Or the version that seems to be most common "I like nights out and cozy nights in."
I like the BBC commentators comment on this one: "In other words, you like existing." Yup, that really is what you're saying. It's just so bland. Don't you have a favourite between them? If not why bother? And are nights in always "cozy" or do you not like a non-cozy night? Why am I spending this much time thinking about what you like, you obviously have very little personality, next profile please...
"My friends (and family) are really important to me."
Again, the first comment about this one on from the BBC is spot on - "Find me someone who doesn't think their friends are important to them." Although they kind of miss what I think is the main takeaway point from it which is "You're going to be competing for second or third place mister. Good luck!" The BBC are right in a way, it is just something that is impossible not to like and I think some people use it to either show how "normal" they are or I think some of them actually do use it because they think it does mark them out as different. It's like they're saying "I know other people like their family but I really like my family, like, to East Enders levels of family liking" without thinking about how that comes across to other people. Does this mean I'm going to have to leaver you away from your mam? Will I have to go on holiday with them all the time? Will they be round the house every two minutes? It's actually a bit off putting even though I know that probably isn't what you mean, that is the image you are putting into my head.
"I'm here for some good banter."
The BBC reckon this is a "I'm fun," "I'm safe" phrase. To me this is red flag that says "I'm superficial" and "I'm not into talking about anything serious." Which I suppose on one hand is fair enough, if you're like that then fine, you just aren't my type of person but I like "banter" too although I bet what I call "banter" is different to what you call "banter". I'll tell you what, lets just not bother eh?
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I didn't even know that this was a quote! That makes it at least 11.75 times worse than I thought it was. The BBC (or in this case their contributors from the general public) concentrate on the lack of originality and the lack of imagination it shows but to me they are missing something big here - is this not a massive flashing red light saying "I'm a f*cking nightmare," "I'm the highest maintenance person you will ever meet," or "I have massive mood swings?" I mean come on "If you can't handle me at my worst?" Why on Godtopuss' sweet Earth are you making me think of you at your worst in the middle of a dating profile? I now have an image of you screaming at me for forgetting to put the toilet seat down one time and for not having the hand towels "just so".
Yeah, I'm definitely going to message you now and see if I can't go on a date with you. I can't wait to see you have a melt down in the middle of the restaurant.
"Looking for my knight in shining armour."
The BBC sort of concentrate on how outdated this image is and again, to me, kind of miss the point. The big thing for me is the lack of thought put in to it. Have they thought about how that is going to make someone else think? We're both on a fracking dating website you fool, how am I going to be your knight in shining armour? How do I possibly measure up to that ideal? How do I swoop in and rescue you from the drudgery of your daily life over a fracking broadband connection?! That's right, I can't so I'm not even going to try. The last comment on the BBC article about it gets it right though "Those seeking such a boyfriend are living in a fantasy land."
There are two phrases in the BBC articles that they don't like but I actually either like or at least don't mind:
"I like travelling" and "Don't get in contact if you don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'"
I absolutely think "I like traveling" is fine, especially as most people who say it then go on to say something about it. There are so many people in this country who don't travel at all that I just think it's a fairly simple way of showing that there is something to you and you are interesting. I don't think we should beat each other up for using simple phraseology. The grammar thing tells me that they are intelligent enough to get annoyed by bad grammar and therefore are probably more likely to be interesting and have stuff to say. For me, that's a pointer saying "I'm your kind of people"!
Oh and by the way, I don't want to think about all the grammar mistakes I've made in this blog. I know there are bound to be loads but I do try and keep on top of the simple stuff.
There are a few things that the BBC didn't cover that really get my goat as well, probably because some of them aren't really cliches, they're just things people do:
"No liars" or "Players need not apply" and variations on that theme.
I can understand how this ends up on girls profiles but it's just so negative. Yeah obviously nobody likes liars, nobody likes players, unfortunately there's a lot of these people about and they aren't going to filter themselves out just because you write something like that on your profile. Guess what? They don't know that that's what they are. When was the last time you came across someone who voluntarily self described as a liar or a player? Right, so what you've just done is made me read what might otherwise be a nice profile, perhaps I was thinking I'd message you but then got to the end, saw that and just slumped, nah, I'm not going to bother, she's too negative.
It's surprising how often these types of comments appear on profiles where the pictures are of girls with their boobs practically hanging out or in their underwear as well. Yeah, you haven't quite cottoned on to the idea that the liars and players are the people who only look at the pictures. They don't read profiles and you're sticking pictures on there that act like honey to the flies.
In the "About Yourself" section people who write what the aren't looking for in a man.
This is the absolute worst thing to see. I kind of understand how and why it happens. I can totally imagine a girl writing a normal profile and then getting so inundated with so many awful messages, possibly going on some dates with some horrible human beings, that they then re-write it to be like this. That's sort of fair enough and I don't envy you the experience but why on Earth do you think that a decent bloke would read a diatribe of reasons men are awful and think "Yeah, I really want to date this girl"? Again, it's just far too negative and obviously it tells me nothing about you, which is what I'm trying to find out. Basically you've left me with nothing but your pictures to go on, which means we might as well not be bothering. Fair enough, have a rant but do it somewhere other than on your profile. You know, use a blog or something. I hear they're good for that sort of thing.
"No baldies"
I don't like this for personal reasons.
Honestly though, I joke but come on. Fair enough we all have our personal tastes and we all know what we do and do not find attractive but to just say it like that is crap. How would you feel if I just wrote "Only girls with red hair need apply"? A bit shit? A bit angry? I wouldn't blame you. That's the sort of thing you filter out afterwards without saying it. It also means that someone might slip through your overly picky filter and surprise you with their massive co... er... I mean dazzling personality.
Pictures of your children or pets.
THIS ISN'T FACEBOOK! Why oh why do people put pictures of their kids or dogs on dating websites? I'm not going to date your kids or your dog, I want to see and date you! I know that obviously they are important to you and they are part of your life but putting a picture of a 5 year old on a dating website is just weird. It makes me question your decision making abilities. I'm not going to get in touch with you not because I have a problem with you having kids (or a dog) because I don't (or at least I'm aware of the fact that it's something I've just got to deal with), it's because you've just made me shake my head and wonder at the stupidity of the human race. Again.
Nothing but group photos
Here's a thing you may not know ladies but you are all very good at looking different from one day to the next. You have lots of different ways to change your appearance. You can change your hairstyle and/or colour, you can wear different makeup in different ways, you have a massive amount of different clothing you can wear. This is very different to a man. I can basically not shave for three days and that's pretty much it for changing my appearance.I could maybe change my glasses but that would be taking it a bit far. This means that if you have nothing but group photos on your profile its actually pretty hard to pick out which one you are. So many of you seem to forget that we aren't your friends, this isn't Facebook, we don't know what you look like yet, you've got to show us! Again, it just shows a lack of thought about what the aim here is.
Upside-down and sideways photos
Yes this happens.
"Nobody reads this anyway so if you want to know anything just ask"
Wrong! OK so fair enough, all the knobs who send you crappy messages don't read it but you've just written off the possibility of a half decent human being getting in touch with you. Those of us who may have been interested had you bothered your arse have just moved on to the next person. Meanwhile you'll just keep getting bombarded with the crap. Sorry and that but...
I think that's it. I may come back to this one and add bits and pieces as I think of them. As I said this is purely from my experience as a man reading women's profiles, I know its worse the other way around but I'm not that way around if you see what I mean. Anyway, as I said at the beginning I'd love to hear about it from the other side of the fence so comment away! I also realise that I got a bit judgmental there, especially towards the end. Well tough, it was my rant and I'll rant how and if I want to. Seriously though, it is supposed to be my opinion so that's what you got. At least I did it on a blog and not on my dating profile.
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